Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
How did they not shoot you in 'Nam?
There's nothing but bamboo over there.
What tree could you have possibly fucking hid behind?
I heard Johnny had Rickles on the other night.
That's fresh.
Can't get any more "dog bites man" than that.
This is Sparky.
You didn't think he would come to Hollywood
to see his big-shot brother? He's not my brother.
I can't see the weather girl!
Sparky...
I'm saying, your manager should get you gigs, and that's it.
Shouldn't be trying to fit you into somebody else's box.
It's nice having a comedian as a girlfriend.
You've never called me that before.
Is that what this is?
Gotta love the comedian.
But to be honest, I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend.
You don't think comedy lasts?
We get something better.
We get the moment.
You know, we get the right-fucking-now.
- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -
Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right.
Tell your face.
Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad was in the business...
of breaking shit.
Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.
All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
I've been watching these Watergate hearings.
I can't help thinking how much better a president
you'd have made than Tricky Dick.
Ha-ha.
I feel like a pig at a trough
with all the material he's providing.
That's hell in a handbasket.
Mitch, you got a light?
Howard.
Wow, good to see you. How are you?
Enjoying the Roman orgy of comedy that is our presidency.
Glad you stopped by to say hello.
Howard's gonna be on the show this week.
Wonderful.
Well.
Thrilled to have you back.
Better lock the door.
Ed's in the building.
Shit, uh, Mitch, can I talk to you for a sec?
Sorry, Howard, I'll have him back to you in a jiff.
It's about his drinking at work.
Ah.
Jesus, Mitch, Howard Leetch?
Last week it was Foster Brooks and Nipsey Russell.
What are we now, a fucking Dean Martin roast?
Why don't you tell that to Pepto-Bismol and Rice Krispies?
Screw the sponsors.
We're known for discovering comics,
not reminding the audience which ones are still alive.
I don't care if that kid stepped in front of a Boeing 747.
Get the young guys back.
What about Disneyland?
What about-- what about Disneyland?
Didn't you ever want to meet Mickey?
I want to meet Mickey.
Hey, remember that girl who lost her mouse ears
on that people-mover thingy?
She jumped on the tracks to get them
and missed her car and ran out an exit.
She fell 30 feet,
had to be in a body brace.
She had a pin put in her leg.
Eat up.
We gotta meet the mattress guy in an hour.
Would you jump 30 feet for ears?
I have jumped a lot farther
for a lot less.
You know in Detroit, the pipes can handle a man's business.
I don't even own a plunger.
Yeah, it's obviously some sort of LA plumbing defect.
It's got nothing to do with
the litter of piglets you just tried to flush, Pop.
Yeah.
Whatever you say, Billy.
You know, I was watching Looney Tunes the other day.
You know, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and the boys.
And they had this cartoon about black people called
"Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat."
And I thought, boogie beat? Finally.
A cartoon about my people with some soul.
But this shit was about a bunch of black people
living in a place called Lazy Town.
Now, first of all,
my people built this country for free
from 1619 till about
mm...yesterday.
So if anybody earned the right to take it easy, it's us.
I got so mad 'cause I was like, what?
Another racist depiction reinforcing the stereotype
that all black people are lazy.
Now, I would have turned that shit off
if my set wasn't halfway across the room.
But in my defense, I did have my La-Z-Boy recliner
set all the way back to righteous-indignation setting.
So I was comfortable and making a statement.
You look like shit.
I see somebody's been working on
their people skills while I was away.
I hear you been doing the Playboy circuit.
How's that?
Distracting.
You, uh, talk to the fellas?
Not yet.
Sorry to hear about Clay.
Good guy.
Such is life, right?
What can I do for you, Nick?
I got The Tonight Show.
Really?
I go up Wednesday.
How'd you pull that off?
Last week,
working the Playboy Club in New Orleans.
One of Mitch's scouts from The Tonight Show's
fucking a Bunny there, saw my act,
and I landed in LA this morning.
Grandkids gonna love that story.
It's a lot more eyes on you, Nick.
Been a good boy for two years, so...
That's good to hear.
So how are you on fifth chances?
How are you on other options?
If I had a hat, it'd be in my hand.
I need to go up.
Wednesday's coming up fast.
Can't get any further west than this.
You fuck up here,
you'll be performing balls-deep in seawater.
When you want to go up?
Tonight?
Be a nice perk if I could bump Bill.
You are lucky you're a funny fuck.
Arnie!
Just remember who your friends are.
Yeah, I used to wrestle in high school,
but as soon as I'd come, I'd quit.
Alex, how are you? Was the kitchen on fire?
Good to see you, kid.
Whoa, Jesus, not this asshole.
Ladies and gentlemen, we got a special treat for you tonight.
Mr. Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly, give it up!
Come on! Let him hear it!
Thomas Fitzgerald, everyone.
Let's keep it going for Fitzy, huh?
This is Fitzy's home club.
It's also his actual home.
So if you're feeling generous, leave a jacket behind.
He'll use it for a blanket right here in about an hour.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
How are ya?
- Who is that guy? - Looking good.
Depends on the night.
Been thinking about social issues a lot lately.
Lot of injustice out there, you know?
Talking to a black friend of mine the other day.
The whole time, I kept thinking,
this guy's dick's probably bigger than mine.
Just not fair.
That got me all philosophical, you know?
I-I came to a conclusion that if every man in the world
had the same size cock,
there'd be no more racism.
That would be it.
Can we agree on a size? Can we put it to a vote?
Show of hands here? Five inches, six inches?
Can I get a seven? This guy's holding out.
What do you want, 15? Come on.
I love, though, that you women want to have
bigger cocks in your life. Love it.
But why?
Why, when you don't use the cocks you have access to now?
Seriously, you know if you got
a bigger cock in your life,
you would stop using it in a week.
It's like that exercise bike you insisted on
that sits in the corner of your bedroom
with a bunch of dirty clothes hanging on it.
Baby, you want to see eight inches?
You come backstage and see me twice.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm doing Carson this week.
Yeah.
Yeah. Wednesday night.
So I got to work on a couple jokes that don't have
you know, dick and cock in 'em.
I got two so far so I hope you enjoy 'em.
- All right. - So dickhead over here
is at the bar with two cops, right?
- Mm-hmm. - And-and, uh,
he starts pointing at me.
Look, a bank had just been held up.
There's red pubic hair all over the crime scene.
It seems fairly obvious you're the prime suspect.
Signature move.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Pubes are everywhere. Fuck you.
So one of the cops grabs Nick,
slams him against the bar, and cuffs him, right?
So I stumble over, I'm all shitfaced.
I throw my arm around him and I'm like,
what the fuck is going on?
Can you just cut to the part where you guys get
locked up and start blowing guys for cigarettes?
Come on.
This isn't about the Mexican day-care system, okay, Edgar?
Ooh. He knows your childhood.
So, turns out Nick had said some not-so-nice words to the cop.
Tell 'em what you said.
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Well,
they haul-so they haul us in,
and then-then we have to, uh, spend the night in...
Protective custody. Yeah.
Wow.
White people have the best jail stories.
That's some bullshit right there.
If y'all were black, the story would have ended up
of how the cops had to explain
how you hung yourself with your own shoelaces.
Yeah, but, what I want to know, Nick,
is where you've been the last three years.
I mean, besides being on the T-and-A circuit.
Yeah.
Where haven't I been?
Probably blowing a bunch of guys.
Fuck, Edgar.
Little one-note with the blowjob jokes, right?
I'm sorry, it's just like a song that gets stuck in your head.
Come on, let him talk. I want to know.
All right.
Yeah, Nick, where you been?
Let's see, uh...
- Did a lot of drugs. - Mm-hmm.
- As you all know. - Yes, we do.
Uh, lot of drinking.
Banged my fair share of Bunnies.
Found Jesus.
Lost him again.
Easy to lose.
Entertained everything from running for office
to holding up a bank.
Worked blue collar, white collar,
you name it.
And in the end, the only thing that made me
not want to hook a hose to my exhaust pipe
was being a fuckin' comic.
So I did the one thing that no comic's ever done.
Pick up a check?
I got my shit together.
I was sort of hoping it was gonna be pick up the check
because I had a waffle and I only have a dollar.
Fuck, Edgar.
That's a great story, Kerouac.
Thank you.
But let's ask the real question.
How the fuck did you get Carson?
Not gonna like the answer, Bill.
Can't dislike it any more than I do the question.
Well, Bill,
it turns out
that unlike you,
I'm really fucking funny.
One! Two!
Three! He's out!
Thank you. Uh, next song is about love.
I had the tuna.
Oh. Right.
Tuna for the young Ingrid Bergman.
Ingrid Bergman was a whore.
That she slept with that Guinea director,
a real piece of work.
Okay.
Can I get you guys anything else?
Some pickles would be lovely, dear.
Pickles, sure thing.
Hey, Gracja,
have you ever considered expanding
the deli's entertainment to include
actual entertainment?
That not entertainment.
Sister.
Well, you know, I was thinking
an open mic for comics might work here.
A lot of places are doing it.
You already have the space.
Might bring in a few extra customers.
And comedy is very hot right now.
If I do it,
will you stop talking jokes to the customers?
If I'm not on stage, it'll be nothing
but soup of the day from here on out.
Okay.
I try.
But not paying anybody.
You sure you never ran a comedy club before?
Okay.
Yes?
Hey, I'm, uh, Adam Proteau.
Barton Royce sent me.
You're early.
Yeah, well, I hitchhiked, so it's kind of
hard to be accurate.
It's not a zoo, Adam.
We thrive on discretion.
Yeah, I can see that.
Ours. Not theirs.
So I don't think I caught your name.
Sonja.
So, this is your room when we don't need it.
Hey, so them girls out there, they--they prostitutes?
Models.
Barton didn't fill you in?
Roof over my head, $25 a week,
and handyman work, that's about it.
We run an exclusive modeling agency
that caters to a very high-end clientele.
Since when did models
blow guys by swimming pools?
Since always.
Can't believe Barton didn't say nothing about
this place being a whorehouse.
We like to think of ourselves as courtesans,
here to entertain members of nobility.
You get a lot of nobility up in here?
That model blowing the guy by the pool?
She gets $1,000 an hour for her services.
That fucking noble enough for you?
Your work clothes.
Don't be seen without them on.
You gotta be shittin' me.
You're telling us we gotta risk our lives
just because somebody might need help.
What time is your family getting back?
Dad took the dog to the vet.
Susie went with him to take pictures of what's left
of the Hollywood sign.
What's the matter with him?
Dad? Well, judging by
the stool sample he provided the other day--
Sparky.
Who the fuck knows? He's old.
Dog's a fucking asshole anyway.
"Dog's a fucking asshole."
You did not just say that.
You don't know Sparky like I do.
The total dick.
Fuck, he's a dog, Bill.
Sparky's not just a dog.
He's the son my father never had.
Seriously.
My dad would come home from work and
us kids and my mom would be there
and he wouldn't say one word.
He'd pick up that dog and he would hug it and kiss it.
Not like we gave a fuck.
Hey, you want to go to Canter's?
Come on, your treat.
Why?
We have a full box of Lucky Charms
just waiting in my cabinet.
Come on, the guys'll probably be there.
It'll be good to get out of the house.
"The guys"?
Like Eddie or Nick?
Or Sully and Ralph.
Yeah.
What? What?
You really gonna play stupid? Come on, Cass.
You went all Pavlov's pussy the other night at Canter's
every time Nick opened his mouth.
- Jesus, Bill. - Am I wrong?
Why do you have to be such an asshole?
You hung on his every word.
The guy's fucking Clay without the tread marks.
Cass, come on.
I didn't mean it. Stay.
Can't you ever try to be just a little bit better
than you were the day before, ever?
Just this much? Once?
All right. I'm fucking sorry!
So you want us to leave this deli
to go to another deli?
- It's an open mic. - And it's gonna stay that way.
Wait, what is this place again?
Donimirski's, it's a Polish deli in the Valley.
And you gotta order something to go up.
So make sure you bring money.
Wait, I gotta pay them to go up?
I admit, it's not exactly ideal, okay?
Do I get an extra five minutes
if I order, like, a side or some shit?
- Yeah. - Hey, do they deliver?
'Cause I'll be anywhere except that fuckin' deli.
Okay, I don't understand.
we played strip clubs in Boston.
Because we got paid and we were surrounded
by naked women, not old people eating
while God points to his watch.
Hey, it's a place where we can go up
to work on our material before we go up at Goldie's.
Well, I do got some new material
that could use some trying out. Sort of like a new direction.
You think they'd be cool with it?
Trust me, after a month of Bob Dylan's Polish aunt,
short of you playing soccer with a puppy, they're game.
Well, all men suck,
so the least one of you assholes can do
is buy me some fries and a Diet Pepsi.
That is the worst jingle for Kotex I ever heard.
Uh, excuse me, can we get an order of, uh,
fries and a Diet Pepsi, please?
Thank you. I'll pay you back on Friday.
I know how you can pay Eddie back right now.
He's looking for comics for his new open mic at Donimirski's.
Is that a new club?
No-no-no-no-no, it's not a club.
- It's a deli. - Mm-hmm.
Like a deli deli?
I'm waiting tables at a deli in the Valley
and they got stage space so I just thought,
you know, what the hell? It's...
Hey, if there's a mic, an audience,
and a plate of pierogies, I'm in.
Wait, but what about Goldie's rule of us
playing at other clubs?
It's not a club.
It's a deli.
Jinx, you owe me a bag of coke.
My man from another land!
Oh, they...feed you Hollywood types well, huh?
Well, I see you still ugly as a motherfucker.
How 'bout that?
Come on, let's go to the car.
Mm.
Oh, man.
There's some white women here in LA...
- God damn. - Oh, yeah.
Like that?
God damn!
No wonder most of us is in the halfway house
'cause you fuckin' took the rest of it.
Oh, look, that's how you know you made it.
Black ass on a white couch, huh.
You mind if I?
Nah.
- You wanna hit? - Nah, I'm good.
Well, there's better than good.
You know what? Other than in the case
of a drink here and there,
I don't trust the stuff. I'm clean.
I buy that.
Think it's really fucked up.
But I buy that.
Mm.
You build that?
This? Yeah.
Took me a couple of months.
But I am almost done.
Little varnish...
Oh.
So what are you doing, man?
I'm a security guard.
That's cool.
Nigga, no it ain't.
It definitely ain't. That shit sound terrible.
I'm going to night school.
Oh, good. Good.
Mm-hmm.
Refrigerator repair.
That shit sound steady.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
Hey, what happened to that, uh,
girl you were seeing, uh, Lorraine?
Oh, she gone.
Yeah.
Man,
look at you, man.
Hollywood Ralph, boy, look at that.
It's a long way from 'Nam, ain't it?
Not long enough.
You ever,
you know, think about the shit we did?
Why would I?
Oh, 'cause you can't not?
Crazy fuckin' times.
Yeah.
Mm.
- Yeah, give me that. - Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I was recently performing comedy
in Playboy Clubs across America.
Yeah, Playboy and America.
And what amazed me most was the amount of women
who want to be Playboy Bunnies.
Yeah. I had no idea
that there were that many shitty fathers out there.
Seriously.
Playboy Bunnies don't just happen, people.
All right, they're not born into the wild.
A lot of serious parental neglect
goes into the making of a good Bunny.
Dads, we got any dads in here?
You show up sober for one birthday party?
You're sending her down the slippery slope
of a higher education.
I promise you that...
Hey, you seen Cassie?
No.
Hey,
he can't do any of this on Carson.
His first five minutes were Carson.
This is actual humor.
Billy.
I think we're gonna get going.
What? I'm going up.
Dad's worried about Sparky.
Sparky's fine, Dad.
He's been alone too long,
and unless you want dog piss all over the place...
I'm up next.
Fifteen minutes.
We'll be home within the hour.
And rats?
All right.
And turn it into a shittier diamond.
I'm not married.
I am looking, though. Relationships are hard.
What do you think? You know? Really.
I feel like animals have it the best.
Two dogs meet.
A sniff here, sniff there.
They get to have sex,
and then it's right back to chasing squirrels.
No one's mad that no one called.
You know, there's no guilt trip.
- You never get one of those... - Spike?
Yeah, it's Fluffy.
Fluffy, white terrier, remember?
You were off your leash, I was in heat?
You said my bark was
infectious.
Uh, Fluffy, ye-uh-yeah,
- I was-I was gonna call. - I was just gonna
just gonna call.
Don't, Spike, don't.
You demean us both when you lie, okay?
Fluffy, just let me come over.
We can just...talk.
"Just talk."
You think I was born yesterday?
I'm two for Chrissake.
Fluffy, why-why-why does it have to be like this?
You're not hearing me, Spike.
You're not hearing me, okay?
If we're out, and I feel your wet snout rub across
my deliciously beautiful tight, puckered anus...
I will take that as an act of aggression
and I swear, I will rip that tube of lipstick you call a cock
right out of its socket!
True.
Well, thank you.
Uh, you been a great audience,
slightly on the older side,
so I appreciate you coming out so late,
seeing how it's nine o'clock and a lot of you
have to get up for breakfast in about an hour.
Uh--uh-huh.
We are out of the beef barley soup.
86 beef barley.
Okay.
Our next comic is a very funny guy,
Adam Proteau, he will be up here shortly.
Thanks.
Hey, you sure that anything goes here?
'Cause all of my stuff is still pretty raw.
Well, that's what places like this are for.
Okay.
It looks like a George Romero movie in here.
Give it up for Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen...
Hey, this is how you get better, okay?
Expand your audience.
Play in rooms you're not supposed to be in.
Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree about
the "I'm not supposed to be in here" part.
Um, my name's Adam...
Man, I'm sorry, I...
Well, tonight I want to talk to y'all about fucking.
Oh, God.
But you--y'all- y'all still fucking, right?
Melvin, get your black ass out here.
Coming, man.
This is what you wearing?
What, something wrong? Man, the war is over, man.
Why you holding onto this? This shit is beat.
Oh.
You know, when I was there, all I could think about was here.
And now I'm here, all I think about is there.
Man, you...
That's your problem. You stuck.
You think a cop wears his uniform when he's off-duty?
Hell no. You off-duty.
Now, give me that.
Give you what?
That jacket.
Look, my weight has fluctuated over the years
so I'm sure I got something in my closet that'll fit you.
Now, give me this.
No, man.
Give me that jacket, man.
Ha, all right.
There he is.
Now, you hold on, let me get you some fly shit.
You raised by degenerate gamblers?
No, salt of the Earth, the pair of them.
Just didn't take.
Goldie tells me that Johnny's had a change of heart.
You bringing the kids back up.
Oh, yeah, I had to put my foot down with Johnny.
I told him flat out, either you bring those kids back
or you don't 'cause it's your show.
I only work here.
A call would have been nice.
Pardon?
You know, a phone call?
Save you a schlep to New Orleans to find a fuckin' kid.
You are like a dog with a bone, did you know that?
I told you,
I had a guy who happened to be in New Orleans and saw him.
He's gonna be playing your club all month long.
We all win.
You're just lucky you suck so bad at cards,
that's all I'm saying, Mitch.
Oh, ho, well.
I love you, too.
You know who you got to get in your club?
Is Riggs and King.
My God, did you see those numbers?
50 million people. 50 million people.
For tennis.
Can you imagine what those numbers would be
for something that was actually interesting?
Well, networks are paying attention.
They want to capitalize.
Everybody is looking for things
Jane can do as well as Tarzan.
And what about comedy?
I could put together a group of women,
make them pee their pants faster than bad Nielsen ratings.
Okay. Who?
Diller? Rivers?
We've seen the usual suspects.
I'm talking up-and-comers.
I got girls got bigger laughs in my place
than you in a swimsuit.
Hey, you could call your special,
"Girls Are Funny Too."
Oh.
Eh, but only because
"Men Are Sexist Fucking Pricks"
wouldn't get past the censors.
Oh, I got the girls.
You just wouldn't dare put them on.
- I don't know. - Mm-hmm.
All right, let me guess. Brother and sister?
Oh. 53 years.
All right, that's disgusting. That should be illegal.
How long did you date before you got married?
We didn't date. He courted me.
"Courted." Oh, I love that.
I haven't been courted since I let Gary Dorfheimer
get to second base in a McDonald's parking lot.
So what do you think, is there any hope for me, even though
I'm, you know, giving out free milk at McDonald's?
You just need to meet the right one.
You know, that's what everybody says.
You'll find the right one.
Well, how am I supposed to recognize
that needle in the haystack?
The needle finds you.
I was going after his brother.
What a floozy!
What made you switch?
He hears me.
Oh, so, he's a good listener?
Anyone can listen.
Very few hear.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Don't rub it in, bitch.
You come up with that on the spot?
Well...
Sparky?
- Sometimes. - Here, boy!
Really fun tonight, Bill.
Thanks.
I haven't seen Dad laugh like that since...
Mmm, Hiroshima?
You're terrible.
- Well, it's true. - No!
No! No!
Oh, God.
He's barely breathing. Call an ambulance.
I don't--I don't think they come for dogs, Dad.
Then just bring the fucking car around!
You know, I really liked your idea last night.
Hm?
The women in comedy thing.
The only time Johnny opens doors for women is in restaurants.
Nah-nah-nah-nah, screw The Tonight Show.
CBS would be all over this.
Come on, Maude, The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
Well, there's nothing like a dame.
Why don't you put together a proposal, you know,
see who you think makes the grade, female-comic wise?
And we'll take it out. Together.
Run it up Freddie Silverman's pole, see if he salutes?
Why not?
Would it make me a producer?
It would make us producers.
I'm gonna do something for you
I haven't done for a man in 20 years.
Oh, yeah?
Mm, what's that?
Make you breakfast.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, oh.
Oh, you gotta be shitting me right now.
Oh!
Hey.
It's eight in the morning.
You still got people going at it?
You see a time clock?
We're more of a "when the mood hits you" business.
You know how to work a washing machine?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess, why?
Maid's sick. Sheets need to be changed.
Are you seriously asking me to wash a whole bunch of
whores' comed-on bed linens?
Use it as motivation.
Who knows?
Maybe one day you'll be successful
and someone will be cleaning your comed-on sheets.
I'm just saying it's not cool, man, all right?
You--you just walked out on me last night.
I wanted to perform at your deli, I swear,
but this opportunity came up
to shove an eight-foot cactus up my ass
and--I mean, you see my dilemma here.
You're such a dick.
I mean, even Cassie gets it.
She was so good last night.
Aw.
People really respond to her.
Is it just me,
or did your dick move when you said that?
Oh, I--I think it did. Yeah.
Come on, man.
Just give it a shot.
- Dude, I... - Once.
Come on. Come on.
What do you got to lose? Come on.
All right, all right, fine, fine.
- Just do me one favor. - Sure.
Move like four feet that way. You smell like a salami farted.
Sorry.
He just buried him in my backyard.
He didn't even ask.
He just dug it.
Now I got a big dirt speed bump on the way to my hibachi.
Yeah, well, it's not like he could bring
a dead dog back to Michigan, that's--
He's not going back. Never going back.
If he does, how's he gonna put fresh flowers
every week on Sparky's grave?
It's like fucking Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn.
Hey, Bill, your dad is grieving.
Why don't you cut him some slack?
What?
Why doesn't somebody cut me some slack?
I'm the guy with the tomb of the unknown terrier in his backyard.
Okay.
Where you going?
I got a singing telegram gig.
Should I meet you at your place later?
Yeah, I'm pretty tired, I think I'm just gonna do the gig
and crash, but, uh, I'll call you tomorrow.
Hey.
I'm sorry
about what I said about Clay.
That's not cool.
Yeah.
No, I know you're sorry, Bill.
Hey, Goofus,
where's Gallant?
Hosting an open mic at a Polish deli in the Valley.
A deli?
Like, where old people eat?
Yeah.
Why is it so gross for them?
Like, old people are cute when they're shoving five bucks
in your birthday card, but
you ever watch them eat?
I know, it's like swallow, then talk.
Who would perform at a deli?
Cassie. And me, apparently.
Cassie's going up at a deli, huh?
Yeah, at Donimirski's in the Valley.
Eddie set up this open mic thing.
She's going up tonight.
Bill, uh, this my buddy, Melvin.
We were in 'Nam together.
Oh, hey. Bill.
Good to meet ya.
I never met one of Ralph's 'Nam buddies before.
Probably 'cause there ain't a lot of us left.
Uh, Melvin, this is Edgar.
Edgar, Melvin and I served together.
Oh, really? What restaurant?
Just fucking with you, dude.
You might want to show a little respect.
Man was decorated. Man was a Sergeant.
Uh, it's cool, brother. It's cool.
Uh, this is what we do.
It's what we do, we fuck with each other.
It's--it's no disrespect.
Yeah.
Sorry.
It--maybe I just need a drink.
You know what? Let's get you a drink.
Let's all get a drink. Come on.
Hey, Raquel Welch, let's get some, uh,
get some drinks over here.
- Do you like mine? - Mm-hmm.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Um, hey, sorry, uh,
hey, man, I just wanted to say how great your shit is.
And--and--and good luck on The Tonight Show.
- Thanks, man. - Yeah.
I should get back to work.
Ah...
I shouldn't--I'm sorry, I wasn't...
trying to...
You could fuck her.
Yeah, I-I don't--I don't really get those hot chicks.
I get the--the chicks who look more like
when the Three Stooges dress up as--as women.
You know?
That's a funny joke, man.
Thanks.
- Thanks. - You're a comic, right?
Yeah. In theory.
Then you're in.
Look, all funny guys are damaged.
And for some reason, women, thank God, find that sexy.
And that is their damage.
Right. Right on.
What's your name?
Ron. Ron Shack.
Ron Shack.
What time you going up, Ron Shack?
Uh, watch won't work. You'll have to use a calendar.
I-I-I just do the open mic.
Oh, that's it, huh? Mondays?
Pretty much, yeah.
Just--it's not a lot of, you know, not lot of options.
I remember when I was first starting out,
it was pretty much here and old folks' homes.
I think that's still the case.
Um, anyway, I'll--I'll--I'll leave you alone.
But, uh, good luck with everything, man, seriously--
Hey--hey--hey, hold on.
I got a place you can go up right now.
What do you do?
How else do you handle what's going on in the world today?
War, riots, economy?
My mom's dead from smoking.
My dad's dead from trying to pay for her to live.
Alcohol's the only family I had left.
Or at least it was still talking to me.
I just wish I was with people who understood
what I was talking about.
What the hell are we doing here?
Said you wanted an audience.
I'm not an alcoholic.
- Yeah, don't open with that. - Op--what?
Hey, everyone, uh, this is my friend, Ron.
His first time here so he's a little bit nervous.
What the hell are you doing?
Get up there, say your name,
you're an alcoholic, and let 'em have it.
I don't really know you, but I think I might hate you.
Use that.
Hi, my name is Ron.
Hi, Ron.
And I'm an alcoholic.
Oh. Nice.
You clap before I even start. That's awesome.
I can't hear you!
All right.
That's what I like to hear.
Okay, this next comic, he's a writer
on The Sonny and Cher Show. Huh? Not bad.
And-and, very talented, a walking argument
against "black is beautiful."
Please, give him a big hand,
Ralph Carnegie, hey!
Holy shit, man.
I still gotta go up.
To Ralph.
- To Ralph, come on. - To Ralph.
Yeah, okay.
This might come as a surprise to you,
but I was not a fan of the Civil Rights Act.
We loved having our own bathroom.
Finally, we have a place where we know for a fact
no white people would go ever.
The horrors that they must've thought was going on in there
when all it really was was...
Now, we love that bathroom,
but why did the black drinking fountain
have to be so shitty?
Just have two identical quality fountains.
One white, one black--
Tell 'em about the gook that couldn't fly.
Ha, that's-- is that you, Melvin?
It's--it's my boy, Melvin, we in town, we just having a few.
Tell 'em.
Ha-ha, I'm--I'm a--
Come on, Ralph. Tell 'em, man.
You know, I'm-- I'm working up here, Melvin.
This is--
Then what the hell you invite me here for, man?
I wanna hear some motherfucking jokes!
I'm telling jokes if you just give me an opportunity, Melvin.
- I got a joke. - I'm-I'm sure you do,
but this is my time, right now, Melvin.
Ralph and I served together in Vietnam.
And we was in this Huey.
And we had lost half our patrol.
And we--we had these two, uh,
two--two gooks, these two gooks, these Vietnamese soldiers...
Oh, oh, so sorry.
Uh, prisoners...
...slope motherfuckers, and...
...and they was just sitting there.
And one of them just pulls out a cigarette.
And lights it.
That's enough, Melvin.
Now, now, ten minutes earlier, this motherfucker put a bullet
in our Master Sergeant's head, but...
...but now, he just sitting there, just--just puffing away.
Okay, Bill.
Now, Ralph...
Bill! Get this motherfucker!
That didn't sit too well for--with--with Ralph.
- Come on, man. - Get off me!
Edgar!
Fuck is everybody... Now, Ralph,
he...
...he grabbed that motherfucker
and he showed him how the door worked,
at 1,000 feet!
Can you imagine that?
Can any of you motherfuckers
imagine that shit?
And you remember what you said, Ralph?
You said,
"Those gook motherfuckers can fight.
But they sure as shit can't fly!"
You remember that, Ralph?
'Cause I remember that shit!
I sure do.
Come on, where are you, Ralph?
- Do you know what you... - Where are you?
...just fucking did in there?
My life's the truth, man. I live the truth every day.
You just hiding in plain sight out there.
The--you think you the only motherfucker with truth?
That's my truth!
You were there.
And now I'm here!
I ain't there no more! You hear me?
I ain't there no more.
Why aren't you?
Why am I the only one?
There's no man left behind, right?
Yeah, I mean--I mean it's no wonder I became an alcoholic.
I mean, when I breast-fed, my mother
was so hammered,
her milk was 12 percent alcohol by volume.
When my old man would run out of beer,
he'd just push me out of the way and start sucking.
That's a habit that kept up after the milk dried up too.
Gosh, I gotta say, this has been
so eye-opening being here tonight with my fellow alchies.
I just feel really close to all you guys.
You know, wouldn't it be great if we could all just
fall off the wagon together, for one night, go get a beer?
Guess that was a joke.
Anyway, that's my time. You guys have been great.
Thank you.
You really think he threw that guy from the helicopter?
No. Ralph's a fucking teddy bear.
His friend's fucked up.
Lot of those guys have chips.
War crime's a hell of a punch line though, huh?
Mm. It's Ralph's business.
We should probably shut the fuck up about it.
Ralph would never throw somebody out of a helicopter
unless, you know, there were, like, snacks involved.
Hey, hey where's the pride of Wink tonight?
She had a day job.
Then she said she was gonna go home and relax.
Mm.
She actually is doing a open mic in Woodland Hills.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Eddie started a open mic in a Polish deli.
People have been going up there,
and I guess he suckered Cassie in.
Let's go. You're up.
Fluff-and-fold is closed. Clean your own jizz sheets.
Now.
Come on, baby! Do your job!
Come on!
I'm not leaving till I come!
This member needs to be escorted out.
Escorted? You don't escort no
200-pound angry-ass drunk out. Where's your bouncer?
We don't have bouncers. We're an exclusive modeling...
- ...agency. - Agency?
Jesus, Sonja, we passed three blowjobs on the way here.
Okay, the jig is up.
Just get him out.
I said I'm not leaving till I come!
Given the... nature of your business,
it's not too much to ask.
Fine.
Have at it.
Fuck.
Look.
I know you come here to have a good time,
but right now you got enough scotch in your system
to where you won't even remember shit, all right?
You have any fucking idea who I am?
Yeah. You're Sam Doak.
Big time agent in CMA.
And I'm Adam Proteau, a struggling comic.
We--we met after one of my sets at Goldie's.
So you know who I...
Yeah. Yeah, I know who you are.
And now everybody else here does too.
Look, you come here to not be seen
so won't make too much sense to make one.
You dig?
Will you give me my trousers, please?
Yeah.
All right, ladies, back to your...
modeling.
I'm seeing a lot of young faces here tonight.
Uh, personally, I-I can't wait to get old.
I-I been that way since I was little too.
Most kids, you know, they can't wait to turn 18
so they can drink or drive or... have sex.
Not me. No, I wanted to be 80.
You know, I wanted nothing more than to sit on my front porch...
...fly undone...
...admiring a box of balls that kids hit into my yard
that I wasn't planning on giving back.
You know?
So, uh, anyway, 80 is--
Hey, can somebody tell us what the specials are?
If you just wait a sec, your waitress will help you.
You're a waitress here, aren't you?
You're sure as fuck not a comedian.
Hey, Bill, don't do this.
Do what?
Do everyone a favor by interrupting
so they don't have to endure whatever the fuck
this is supposed to be?
That was a good one.
I'm sorry, folks. This is Bill Hobbs.
You might know him from...
actually, why would they know you, Bill?
Stick to the specials. It's better than your material.
That was like a B-minus.
Hey, can I go up?
Yeah.
Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, there was a couple in here the other day.
They'd been together for 53 years.
Which, uh, is pretty sweet.
Maybe. In their case.
But for most of us,
our relationships, I think, are less
lifelong commitments and more
laziness and bad habit.
The telephone of a better life
is just ringing off the hook,
and we're too lazy to get up and pick up the phone.
Ring!
Hello?
Oh, what,
guy that, uh, wants to actually take me out on a date?
Like outside-of-the-house date?
Well, I'm gonna have to get back to you, 'cause
I'm really busy right now sitting on my comfortable couch
with my lukewarm boyfriend watching cartoons
in between rounds of ambivalent sex.
Ring!
Hey, guy that thinks I'm hilarious
and isn't threatened by my success.
I would, uh, love to go out with you,
but then I'd have to really take a good hard look at myself
and why I keep dating people that make me feel like shit.
Bye.
Ring!
Who could this be?
Hello?
What?
Guy who hears me?
Who really hears me?
Well, I'm just gonna have to take this call.
Um, can you just hold on for one second?
There's just something that I...
...gotta take care of before we continue.
Bill, it's over.
Go home.
Well, I think I just invented open drama mic night.
Hm.
Yeah, well, if anybody had it coming...
There's got to be a reason I keep
sticking my chin out there.
Clay wasn't like that, right?
He was a habit too.
A lovely habit,
but still a habit.
Mm.
We should go on a road trip, man.
Just get in the car and...
Where? Where we gonna go?
Oh, someplace where nobody knows who the fuck I am.
Fuck.
We don't have to leave Los Angeles to do that.
We can just park across the street.
Fuck.
Jesus.
I'm getting my ass kicked, Edgar.
I should be used to it by now, but...
You know, man,
you're--you're--you're close.
You're really close.
You just...
You just gotta stop fucking up.
All right?
I had this...
...math teacher.
He said that nothing ever really touches.
That, like, you could take an object
and cut it infinite times.
It gets closer and closer,
but it never touches.
Maybe that's me.
No matter how close I get to anything,
I'm never gonna touch it.
I told you this is good shit.
- Yeah... - I gotta take a piss.
Can I just go inside?
Me too.
Hey, man,
maybe you don't have to go inside.
I'm no mathematician,
but I'm pretty sure my piss is touching Sparky's grave.
And I don't wanna be a buzzkill,
but of all the graves I've pissed on,
this has got to be the least satisfying.
What the fuck are you doing?
Dad.
Dad, please.
Get the fuck away from me!
Dad.
Dad, what are you doing?
You hate me this much?
I don't hate you.
Dad, come on.
You're a sad fucking excuse for a son.
Get your stuff.
We're going.
Are you mad I skipped the deli for an AA meeting?
Nah. Just wasn't for you.
Hey, listen, I think what you're doing...
...it's pretty cool.
Thanks.
And I think what you're doing is fucking nuts.
Or is it?
Ooh. Mm.
So... how's this Nick guy?
I like him.
But...
I don't know.
He doesn't really look at you.
More like he looks through you.
You know what I mean?
Of course.
I'm a waiter.
People look through me every day.
As long as we both end up in the same place, right?
You know it, pal.
And as long as that place is not a Polish deli.
Blow me.
Gonna be tricky from that angle.
You, uh, you sure we good, brother?
Fuck yeah. Supposed to be a little crazy.
You gonna be all right.
You know that, right?
Yes, sir,
Sergeant, sir.
Goldie.
So I had an interesting conversation with CBS today.
Tell me.
"Girls Are Funny Too." They're interested.
Freddie wants to hear the formal pitch
from you.
Hello?
Oh, I'm here, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Oh, you're the other shoe, babe.
Turns out I'm not the only one
who wants to get in bed with you.
What about producer?
What about executive producer?
Son of a bitch.
Break a leg.
However many it takes.
Buh-bye now.
That's because I have to keep lying to you
and telling you you're talented and good-looking.
All right, all right, I get it.
Not anymore you aren't.
- Funny joke, Ralph. - Thanks, man.
Mr. Beverly?
It's time.
Mr. Beverly?
We're coming back from commercial in five.
Mr. Beverly?
- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -